In Him, we live and breath and have our being
(written over the past few days)
Tuesday's events keep replaying in my mind like a broken tape. I realize I'm trying to hold on to the bits and pieces in memories I have of their lives in the most recent. I'm trying to study for all the quizzes and midterm I have but it's like I'm effortfully trying to put a halt to the grieving process and it just doesn't feel healthy. So here I am blogging, apparently it's also part of the grieving process to want to talk about it in detail..don't mind me.
The last time I saw my grandpa was on Sunday night before I had to go back to school. I was massaging his arms and hands (because they get numb) while waiting for my dad to pick me up. After a while of massaging, he wiggled his fingers, apparently motioning me to massage each of his fingers. After finding out that's what he likes, I looked forward to coming back home next week so I could massage his fingers again. I thought he still had a few weeks left cause he seemed in better health this past weekend from some Chinese medicine he took.
Tuesday morning before class, I got a text from my sister saying he was going back to the ER because he was in a lot of pain. She said I should come home later if I could, so I planned on heading over after right after class and just get work off. While in class I was texting my mom so we could take the train together. The whole morning I kept hoping God would sustain him until we got there. My mom called me when I got back to my apt. saying rushedly, "B, we need to go, we really need to go." So I got together all my stuff as fast as I could and started heading out the door when my sister called asking where I was. I had already rushed out the door but stopped in my tracks at the words, "Ah gong already passed." I couldn't believe it. I was in shock and walked to the shuttle stop in tears. I've never experienced the death of someone so close to me. I regretted even going to my morning class thinking, "I could have made it." I was so frustrated. But something else that irked me was whether or not my grandpa was really saved. This was the only hope I had. I missed the shuttle and my brother had to pick me up, so while I was waiting for about an hour at the corner of the street, I texted my pastor with a prayer request that God would assure me he was really saved. She texted back, "Yes, dear. He is now with Jesus, no tubes, no illness." I opened up my Bible soon after and God gave me the verse Joel 2:32, "And it shall come to pass that whoever calls on the name of the LORD shall be saved."
When we finally got to the hospital, my grandpa was already covered. As my sister was explaining to me what happened, something she told me gave me even more assurance he was saved. Apparently she prayed a prayer Monday night, that God would take him to heaven already because he was in so much pain. The next morning around 6am, he started to decline physically, but I believe God was answering her prayer and taking him up to heaven.
In the car on the way home to break the news to my grandma, I was asking God: how can I have faith that You give the same reward of salvation to the "last-minute" Christians as You do to those who give their whole lives for the sake of the gospel, who do so much for You and sacrifice so much for You throughout their lives? It seemed so unfair..yet I hoped for it so much for my grandpa. Then God told me, as wide a gap it looks like between these two kinds of people, that's how wide and amazing His grace is. From then on, I understood and knew my grandpa was in heaven.
At times I still get sad that he never got to read my second letter (his eyesight had declined too much), and I wish I got to tell him how I felt (his hearing had declined too much) and how I've been praying for him for six years. But God consoled me that he already knows: he's in heaven now because of all our effort (that includes yours, my friends who have prayed for him).
There have been so many impacting things I've learned about God from the past few weeks with my grandpa. He is such a God to be trusted. It may be safe to say heartbreak is worth the lessons and depth of connection with God. And hopefully all these testimonies encourage all those who have friends or family members who aren't saved yet. There's hope, SO much hope. Don't stop praying, don't stop believing, and when the opportunity comes, share the message..God is on our side!
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Dipstick
In the afternoon, I was the only one left at home staying with my grandma. She went to take a shower so I was alone in the kitchen scanning photos of my grandpa for the funeral. My dog was on the other side of the kitchen, and I heard him get up and limp to where I was. He usually never gets up unless he has to go pee because it hurts too much to put weight on his legs. I started petting him and trying to see what was up. His eyes were glassy from crying all morning when the ambulance came to take my grandpa to the ER. He kept making noises and squirming on the floor. Finally I helped him up to go outside, and he peed but stayed out there just lying in the sun. I saw him switch places two or three times as me and my grandma were looking at him through the window.
After I was done scanning, I went out there and stayed with him for a while. Then he moved behind my grandma's plants, which was really weird. He started hacking and there was a lot of foam and saliva in his mouth. He kept moving places, and at one point he had flopped on his back and his tongue was hanging out. Now that I think about it, maybe he was trying to tell me he was dying. This was around 5:30 in the afternoon. He kept wanting to move away from me, back behind the plants. It reminded me of Marley & Me, where the dog goes off somewhere else to die, maybe so the family doesn't have to see him. The next time I came out he was sprawled across all my grandma's plants. It seemed like he was helpless and in so much pain, yet he couldn't express it. I kind of wished God would take him right then while he was laying there. I wanted to be next to him.
My sister came home then and we moved him inside to the kitchen. He seemed less squirmy, but at one point he tried to run away again across the kitchen. I don't know where he was going but I stopped him and made him lie down. Around 7pm, my sister and I left to get dinner and pick up my mom's car at the train station. My sister got back first, and while I was about to turn in, it was dark but I saw my cousins outside and my sister holding my little dog. Everyone watched as I pulled up the driveway, and it was quiet as I opened the door. After I got out, my sister told me, "Dippy's gone too.." I saw a figure on the grass, and my heart sank as I lifted the mat my cousin put on him. He was lifeless..And not smiling like he usually does..
Apparently he passed about 15 minutes before we got home. I "just" missed it in both cases. But my sister said it probably would've been too hard for me. It was like Dippy was waiting for us to leave so he could die.
We were talking about whether there's significance that my grandpa and dog both passed away on the same day. We asked my mom to see if she had any superstitions, and she said Dippy took away some of my grandpa's pain/illness. My sister was saying he was showing the same symptoms as my grandpa before he died. In Christian sense it does kind of make sense, kind of like Dippy was my grandpa's sacrificial lamb..
I remember he was only 3 weeks old when I got him in 3rd grade. I've seen him grow in both stature and maturity--He died so much more of a selfless dog than before. I was telling my sister, there are probably countless things he's protected us from. He was God's left hand for us, protecting us and taking care of us in ways that can't be seen. He was a beautiful and faithful dog. I miss him so much~
Tuesday's events keep replaying in my mind like a broken tape. I realize I'm trying to hold on to the bits and pieces in memories I have of their lives in the most recent. I'm trying to study for all the quizzes and midterm I have but it's like I'm effortfully trying to put a halt to the grieving process and it just doesn't feel healthy. So here I am blogging, apparently it's also part of the grieving process to want to talk about it in detail..don't mind me.
The last time I saw my grandpa was on Sunday night before I had to go back to school. I was massaging his arms and hands (because they get numb) while waiting for my dad to pick me up. After a while of massaging, he wiggled his fingers, apparently motioning me to massage each of his fingers. After finding out that's what he likes, I looked forward to coming back home next week so I could massage his fingers again. I thought he still had a few weeks left cause he seemed in better health this past weekend from some Chinese medicine he took.
Tuesday morning before class, I got a text from my sister saying he was going back to the ER because he was in a lot of pain. She said I should come home later if I could, so I planned on heading over after right after class and just get work off. While in class I was texting my mom so we could take the train together. The whole morning I kept hoping God would sustain him until we got there. My mom called me when I got back to my apt. saying rushedly, "B, we need to go, we really need to go." So I got together all my stuff as fast as I could and started heading out the door when my sister called asking where I was. I had already rushed out the door but stopped in my tracks at the words, "Ah gong already passed." I couldn't believe it. I was in shock and walked to the shuttle stop in tears. I've never experienced the death of someone so close to me. I regretted even going to my morning class thinking, "I could have made it." I was so frustrated. But something else that irked me was whether or not my grandpa was really saved. This was the only hope I had. I missed the shuttle and my brother had to pick me up, so while I was waiting for about an hour at the corner of the street, I texted my pastor with a prayer request that God would assure me he was really saved. She texted back, "Yes, dear. He is now with Jesus, no tubes, no illness." I opened up my Bible soon after and God gave me the verse Joel 2:32, "And it shall come to pass that whoever calls on the name of the LORD shall be saved."
When we finally got to the hospital, my grandpa was already covered. As my sister was explaining to me what happened, something she told me gave me even more assurance he was saved. Apparently she prayed a prayer Monday night, that God would take him to heaven already because he was in so much pain. The next morning around 6am, he started to decline physically, but I believe God was answering her prayer and taking him up to heaven.
In the car on the way home to break the news to my grandma, I was asking God: how can I have faith that You give the same reward of salvation to the "last-minute" Christians as You do to those who give their whole lives for the sake of the gospel, who do so much for You and sacrifice so much for You throughout their lives? It seemed so unfair..yet I hoped for it so much for my grandpa. Then God told me, as wide a gap it looks like between these two kinds of people, that's how wide and amazing His grace is. From then on, I understood and knew my grandpa was in heaven.
At times I still get sad that he never got to read my second letter (his eyesight had declined too much), and I wish I got to tell him how I felt (his hearing had declined too much) and how I've been praying for him for six years. But God consoled me that he already knows: he's in heaven now because of all our effort (that includes yours, my friends who have prayed for him).
There have been so many impacting things I've learned about God from the past few weeks with my grandpa. He is such a God to be trusted. It may be safe to say heartbreak is worth the lessons and depth of connection with God. And hopefully all these testimonies encourage all those who have friends or family members who aren't saved yet. There's hope, SO much hope. Don't stop praying, don't stop believing, and when the opportunity comes, share the message..God is on our side!
-------
Dipstick
In the afternoon, I was the only one left at home staying with my grandma. She went to take a shower so I was alone in the kitchen scanning photos of my grandpa for the funeral. My dog was on the other side of the kitchen, and I heard him get up and limp to where I was. He usually never gets up unless he has to go pee because it hurts too much to put weight on his legs. I started petting him and trying to see what was up. His eyes were glassy from crying all morning when the ambulance came to take my grandpa to the ER. He kept making noises and squirming on the floor. Finally I helped him up to go outside, and he peed but stayed out there just lying in the sun. I saw him switch places two or three times as me and my grandma were looking at him through the window.
After I was done scanning, I went out there and stayed with him for a while. Then he moved behind my grandma's plants, which was really weird. He started hacking and there was a lot of foam and saliva in his mouth. He kept moving places, and at one point he had flopped on his back and his tongue was hanging out. Now that I think about it, maybe he was trying to tell me he was dying. This was around 5:30 in the afternoon. He kept wanting to move away from me, back behind the plants. It reminded me of Marley & Me, where the dog goes off somewhere else to die, maybe so the family doesn't have to see him. The next time I came out he was sprawled across all my grandma's plants. It seemed like he was helpless and in so much pain, yet he couldn't express it. I kind of wished God would take him right then while he was laying there. I wanted to be next to him.
My sister came home then and we moved him inside to the kitchen. He seemed less squirmy, but at one point he tried to run away again across the kitchen. I don't know where he was going but I stopped him and made him lie down. Around 7pm, my sister and I left to get dinner and pick up my mom's car at the train station. My sister got back first, and while I was about to turn in, it was dark but I saw my cousins outside and my sister holding my little dog. Everyone watched as I pulled up the driveway, and it was quiet as I opened the door. After I got out, my sister told me, "Dippy's gone too.." I saw a figure on the grass, and my heart sank as I lifted the mat my cousin put on him. He was lifeless..And not smiling like he usually does..
Apparently he passed about 15 minutes before we got home. I "just" missed it in both cases. But my sister said it probably would've been too hard for me. It was like Dippy was waiting for us to leave so he could die.
We were talking about whether there's significance that my grandpa and dog both passed away on the same day. We asked my mom to see if she had any superstitions, and she said Dippy took away some of my grandpa's pain/illness. My sister was saying he was showing the same symptoms as my grandpa before he died. In Christian sense it does kind of make sense, kind of like Dippy was my grandpa's sacrificial lamb..
I remember he was only 3 weeks old when I got him in 3rd grade. I've seen him grow in both stature and maturity--He died so much more of a selfless dog than before. I was telling my sister, there are probably countless things he's protected us from. He was God's left hand for us, protecting us and taking care of us in ways that can't be seen. He was a beautiful and faithful dog. I miss him so much~
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You are in my heart. I'm praying for you.