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i know nothing lasts forever, but it's so hard to let go, God. if we could just freeze time, and go back to when he was alive and we could laugh together and sit and eat together and he was healthy.. sometimes the sorrow just wells up, and my heart just wants to overflow and i think "he can't be gone." and i want desperately to just stop time so i don't have to say goodbye to my grandma, or my mom down the road, or even a sibling or friend. it's so hard to love people this much. it scares me and i'm so afraid to lose someone else, but i know it's going to happen, and all i can do is hold on to what i have..God..and God's strength, and the sweet memories.

Grandpa~
i'm sorry i wasn't there that whole first month you were sick. the devil wanted to take you then but God didn't let him. He saved you, because he loved you. i hope you understand now why i wasn't there. i hope it all makes sense now, and i hope you know how much i love you. i think of you all the time, and i'm so sad because you're not here anymore. i think of you when i wake up, i think of you in class and at work, when i talk to other people and when i do my homework, i think about you before i go to bed..i know you would want me to work hard in school and to be happy, but my heart doesn't want to just "move on" because i don't want to forget about you and everything you've done for me and have been to me all my life.

God, please give my mom strength as well. she doesn't have the hope that my sister and i have, that we'll see him again.. i can't even imagine what that feels like.

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