God Called

I wrote this a week and a half ago, but this is all that's been churning in my mind since then..and I expect to go back to it for strength to follow through with my convictions.
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I am quite conflicted right now, having just talked with a wise spiritual elder about my plans after graduation. Two weekends ago, I grounded myself for a whole 4-day break, aspiring to make headway on my personal statement for PA school. Alas, I did everything during the break but this essay. Heck, it's two weeks later and I haven't written a word.

No, it's not laziness (at least my ego tells me not). I am simply and painfully without inspiration, and as this piece of writing is my ticket to PA school, it should not be carelessly written away just cause I want to get it done. As I open up past personal statements from high school about my passion for medicine and my experiences in healthcare, I am quite amazed at how much fervor I once had, but more so how much this passion has faded over the years.

I realize this passion, if it ever was (what would I know in high school?), is one now of old. I have 625 words allotted and not one written down. There is not much to say from the heart about this occupation when I just want it as a means to an end of sharing the gospel. My thinking has turned quite definitively in the past years to say that sharing the gospel, for the sake of one's spiritual salvation, is worth more than a life at work for the physical salvation of many.

And so it's clear, it's Christ who's gotten me, the surpassing greatness of knowing this dang beautiful God-man, for which I count all other hobbies, interests and passions a loss. But then I ask myself, "But what about your heart for healing? Don't you want people to be healed?" It'd be great to spend my life physically healing people, but there is no way I would want to see someone healed at my hands than completely and solely in glory to Him,and it is hard to imagine it being wholly God-glorifying with man-made tools and my own glory-hogging hands at work.

And so you see I am quite ready to give my life for the sake of the gospel. Yet writing that
sentence and seeing it on paper as accountability is a challenge in itself. The scary thing is it came quite from the heart. Cause you see, I have been bent on becoming a doctor since the 4th grade, and my dear mother has counted on me to start returning the investment she made at my birth so that she may retire sooner than later. And oh, my dear mother, how much hope she has in me, and how sad these past few years has been for her..and to tell her I am not going to work, but give my life to serve a God she does not acknowledge yet.. would break her poor heart and, thus, mine.

What gives me strength is looking over this past semester and thinking, "Man..if God didn't bring me here, these girls wouldn't have heard the gospel and wouldn't have been any closer to having a relationship with You." Sure, that could be true anywhere, just depending on how much you ev. I count my work here minimal, but there are so many ready hearts here, so many that it pains me to leave.

But I realize the call to missions has been tugging on my heart all along, but suppressed in unwillingness to face the block of obstacles to actually make it out there..and then to think of the obstacles I will encounter while there. But the call is too loud to ignore.

Being a missionary..it's me, it's totally me. You don't know yourself until you try on the shoes of what you are meant to become. And missionary work, I realize, is what my person is about, if you could sum it up and give it a job, haha.

For one, I love being there for people. I love sitting down with people and going deep and falling in love with how God made them. Sometimes I have no idea how much love God has given me until I'm surprised at it all pouring out, haha. I love listening and understanding people more, I love when people feel open enough to share their heart with me, I love giving advice I think God wants me to give, and I love leaving a conversation knowing God spoke.

Two, I don't think I can hold a secular job long enough for me not to constantly wish I was
spending time with God instead. I always thought this was what every Christian struggled with, having to complete secular work everyday while suppressing our appetite for God. But I guess, from hearing a brother talk about passions, this isn't really the case for every Christian. Some can tolerate secular work everyday, but I can't. I can't, I can't, cause I've tasted too much of the love of God not to crave for more. God..He's the deepest mystery and I've got to seek Him out.

Three, He gave me a heart for souls and called me to be a fisher of men, and this heart's just expanded coming here and seeing and talking to all the empty souls walking around detached from their Creator. I don't think I can carry a normal life anymore knowing there are so many people doomed over here. In China, there are so many people it's crazy. I was walking on campus and wondering, 'Why would God let so many people be born into such an agnostic background/culture?' And then I realize God has much too much faith in His people. But then again, His Spirit in us can do wonders through us we couldn't even dream of.

Four, I think you can recognize your calling by the kind of people who speak to your heart. For me, it's always been 1) people with a heart for God, 2) people with a burden for injustices, and 3) the few missionaries who have come to ICA conferences. For the last, their message, though not all the same of course, is always one that gives deep conviction to me. Because being a missionary is what Jesus would be doing, it's all Paul wrote about, it's the most real "narrow way" His people could choose in this present day and age.

At this point I am neither emotionally or practically (telling my family what I really want to do) ready to make a decision to go to the mission field straight out of graduation, the thought is quite daunting. Up til now I have refused to consider the possibility that that might be God's will for me, saying "No..He wouldn't make me disappoint my family like that" and "no..I can't contribute enough to the Kingdom for Him to call me so soon."

And so I keep giving God excuses. "But Lord..my mom, I want her to be able to rest and not worry so much about money anymore"...and then I hear the cry in the Lord's heart for souls. God loves my mom so much and cares about her and my family's well-being, so what should I be afraid of? A sister said to me today, "Who do you think can take better care of your family, you or God?"

And so the conflict in my heart turns steadily to resolve, in knowing what I need to do and what I need to give up, and bracing, to face the people with a firmness in my heart to
follow Christ. I'm fighting for the will to take up my cross and lay down the pride that demands respect from people instead of God..by having work experience, a master's degree, or just having my own money to show I can be independent.

But whenever I think about going long-term, the voices inside keep saying, “Who do you think you are? What do you have to offer?” I’ve never raised a disciple or led a Bible study, I have nothing on my “spiritual resume” that makes me “qualified” to be a missionary.

But I say I have love and a message to share, and He says that is enough. I want to be the one who threw everything aside to chase after the God who loved her first. He's giving me back my innocence and making me brave..what else do I need but all of God, all behind me..

So pour into me, Holy God. I have nothing to offer people but what You give me. Lay me down to die, and tell me what my message will be.

I realized why I like summer nights in China so much. The air is so humid yet cool, everywhere you go you're surrounded by this warm air that is God, in which we breath and move and have our being. He's everywhere, but I can’t see Him and it kills me.