Our Graceless Culture

Warning: Girly post ahead.

I don't know why, but I've been getting into/obsessing over styling, clothes and hair since break started. With the whole holiday dress-up season in full swing and not having gotten ready for a nice occasion in a long while, preoccupation with how I can look prettier is something I brought to God in repentance for tonight.

But when I was apologizing for putting these concerns before Him, God showed me this scarf made of pure gold...and then a panorama of dresses, but there was a focus on a light blue gown, the prettiest of the bunch. The scarf reminded me of when I went Christmas shopping with my sister today, and I saw this scarf with a sparkly lining that I wanted. My sis said those kind of scarves look cheap, so I didn't get it. I think God was telling me that I can try to pretty myself up as much as will satisfy me, but He's the only one who can make me truly beautiful. He's the only merchant who sells scarves that sparkle like pure gold, the rest of the real-world merchants only offer the sparkle of sequins..

Then there was the light blue silky gown, which was probably the prettiest dress I could ever imagine wearing. God knows I'll probably never get to wear a dress like that. But then I realized, even when I'm in sweats, without makeup and just an overall slob, He clothes me in beauty not my own, but the beauty of heaven. It's not worth trying to clothe myself in what the world recognizes as attractive by fixing myself up and buying trendy clothes I don't need..but the only way to satisfy this desire for beauty is spending more time with Him in sweet communion, that He may clothe me in His own beauty. True, deep, and striking beauty is that which I could never acquire outside of communion with Him.

The gown looked somethin' like this, except a lottt prettier : )

It all reminds me of STP, when rules prohibited makeup, jewelry of any kind, and tight/revealing clothes..which includes shorts. I even lost one of my contacts the first week, so I had to wear glasses the rest of the time. It was definitely humbling not to have those little aids for emotional security, the femininity of curled eyelashes and the sparkle of earrings to be my source of confidence for the day. It probably wasn't part of the lesson plans, but I definitely learned that I don't need any of those little securities at all that I deem daily to be so important. My ICA brothers and sisters made me feel so valuable and beautiful the whole time, but what made their comments so special to me was that I knew they were speaking to a bare me, stripped of image-boosting adornments.

Even after getting back, I stopped wearing makeup and jewelry, save my cross necklace and purity ring. But that didn't last longer than a few weeks, when I just felt too plain compared to the other girls in my summertime class.

Sigh..I'm definitely looking forward to China and missions, where things are simpler and people aren't so preoccupied with looking cute and stylish. Just wish things were like that here..There's no grace in popular culture. It's either: get on the materialistic, appearance-oriented bandwagon, or feel plain and so much less desirable than everyone else.

As long as I'm wearing that gown in Your eyes, Jesus.