First Love

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Cont'd from last post..
It's because I lost my first love.

I remember in all my times with God last year, our intimacy would be so sweet and His love was so deep and tangible. I would whisper things to Him that were straight from my heart, and I felt the weight those words held to Him. He was my first love, and I was His sweet daughter.

But when I went on STP, people were amazed at the fruit of this intimacy..the healings, biblical knowledge, fruits of the Spirit..I was full of surprises to people, I guess, and it seemed I came to be known as the "charismatic Christian girl." A few weeks ago, I just met someone from UCLA who's in ICA, and she already told me she heard I was a prayer warrior and could speak in tongues. I wasn't sure what to think.

But I guess I got caught up in the hype. It was exciting to finally be able to share the supernatural with people having an understanding that it's still Jesus behind it all, and have them not only accept it but want to take part in some of it. So I came into this semester with pretty high expectations and excitement about what God was going to do. But the results were that even though I've gotten to pray for more healings than ever and have racked up more hours of "ministry" than ever, I can hardly say I've valued this semester as much as others in which I have done little for the Kingdom..because I lost my first love along the way. And if there's no love or passion, it's as good as preaching a philosophy.

Tonight, as I sat all the way in the back in the dark behind the powerpoint controls, the guest pastor spoke across the room to my very heart. He said, "Some of you have been feeling like you've been going around hitting walls..You want God and are trying so hard..You're doing all these things, but you're tired because you've lost that first love..Pray with me, 'God, I surrender..I just want to soak in You now..'"

It's been so long since my heart's one desire was God. Forgive me, Father, for seeking Your hand more than Your face. Forgive me, for leaving that good part. I just want to soak in You now..I'm tired Abba, I'm so tired.

I sat there tonight bawling..I felt like a baby in a rocker as my daddy was comforting me. He's saying everything's okay, that I don't need to worry about so many things. Abba doesn't need me, but He wants me. I'm going back to that good part.

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