The Greatest Struggle
It's tough when your greatest enemy is yourself.
The hardest thing to overcome is a battle within your own mind. All external forces you can deal with, because as long as you're strong in your own self-consciousness, you can defeat any threat of the physical world around you. But when you're mentally weak, the smallest opposing situation or length of words can defeat you.
I've experienced recurring bouts of insecurity that have determined my demeanor and frame of mind by the shifting second, and it just eats away at who I could be and who God wants me to be. It's, more or less, suffocating. I know God doesn't want me to feel this way about myself and to always question why I am how I am, but I can't stand up to the mental comparisons of myself with others. People always say, 'don't be so shy,' 'we want to hear what you want to say,' but it's just so hard. How can I speak freely when I doubt every word that comes out of my mouth, fear that people will judge me, fear that my words will stumble or not even reach the ears of those who wait expectantly for my replies, because of the tiny voice of mine that an interviewer once used to classify me as 'disabled'??
It's a cycle I have a hard time imagining will break. I'll always have this voice. But I'm so able, so eager to succeed in life, and so willing to work hard to achieve everything I seek to achieve. I inspire by my work ethic and lifestyle, but disappoint with my demeanor and speech. How can I measure up my outward display with what I can do? People always see me as the girl with the tiny voice, and judge me by that as someone not worth their time, and I've succumbed to that attitude in pitiful disregard of my own worth. I pray for a miracle, that God can lift me up to be confident that He's made His creation in His own image, perfect, to be honored, and to be loved, not just by others, but by my own self. Jesus died so that I could be free of my sin and shame; He died for my freedom, and I can't be bondaged to these heavy insecurities any longer. God give me peace of mind. In Your name, Amen.
The hardest thing to overcome is a battle within your own mind. All external forces you can deal with, because as long as you're strong in your own self-consciousness, you can defeat any threat of the physical world around you. But when you're mentally weak, the smallest opposing situation or length of words can defeat you.
I've experienced recurring bouts of insecurity that have determined my demeanor and frame of mind by the shifting second, and it just eats away at who I could be and who God wants me to be. It's, more or less, suffocating. I know God doesn't want me to feel this way about myself and to always question why I am how I am, but I can't stand up to the mental comparisons of myself with others. People always say, 'don't be so shy,' 'we want to hear what you want to say,' but it's just so hard. How can I speak freely when I doubt every word that comes out of my mouth, fear that people will judge me, fear that my words will stumble or not even reach the ears of those who wait expectantly for my replies, because of the tiny voice of mine that an interviewer once used to classify me as 'disabled'??
It's a cycle I have a hard time imagining will break. I'll always have this voice. But I'm so able, so eager to succeed in life, and so willing to work hard to achieve everything I seek to achieve. I inspire by my work ethic and lifestyle, but disappoint with my demeanor and speech. How can I measure up my outward display with what I can do? People always see me as the girl with the tiny voice, and judge me by that as someone not worth their time, and I've succumbed to that attitude in pitiful disregard of my own worth. I pray for a miracle, that God can lift me up to be confident that He's made His creation in His own image, perfect, to be honored, and to be loved, not just by others, but by my own self. Jesus died so that I could be free of my sin and shame; He died for my freedom, and I can't be bondaged to these heavy insecurities any longer. God give me peace of mind. In Your name, Amen.
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