God is Beyond Me

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"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." -Isaiah 55:9

A few days ago I started an entry about my greatest fear, being a casualty of the American Dream. There's been an unsettling in my core and a continual rolling around in my heart because it's been six months in transition and I'm still figuring out how to live for God. My heart and mind keep returning to the mission field and to those six months last year that I spent watching in awe as God pursued people in front of my eyes..and people, as shallow and sinful and, heck, dumb as we are, actually responding to Him in faith and reciprocal pursuit and a hunger to know this invisible, lovesick, awesome Being. It's what I hunger for again, to be His vessel, to follow His commandments and go to the harvest. It's the substance of my dreams.

In contrast, it hasn't been clear to me at all how to live for Him in the context of working and schooling and being part of my local church again. God knows I want to just leave everything and go to the mission field, but the truth is, I need the resources and I want so much the support of my family. But even though I feel so unsettled, I realize that just because I can't go, God's not mad at me.  Even if I were to go, I don't think it would go well. I still need healing, and I still need to know who I am before I can release that identity to others. God definitely has a purpose for me staying here. He told me at the beginning of the summer, "You'll know that you know when you're ready." Even Jesus waited til it was His time.

Seeking God's will for my dreams: My said dream is to become a Physician Assistant, to be able to meet and get to know people from all walks of life, to be the one to take care of them and provide them compassionate care. But more than that, I want this job so that I can have the income I need to pursue my greater dream of doing long-term missions.

But I had a dream (the sleep kind) recently that I was driving a black SUV, which is my ideal car because I like feeling high and mighty on the road haha. But then I crashed it, and then I couldn't find it anymore. God was showing me that what I hold to be my ideal and what I dream of, may not necessarily be what will fulfill me and what my heart really desires. Only God knows how the desires of my heart really translate into in terms of a specific career, spouse, ministry, etc. down the road.

Coincidentally, my family's financial circumstances are leading me to the possibility that this "dream" of being a PA won't be realized as soon as I hoped, or even at all if it isn't really the desire of my heart in the eyes of an all-knowing God. I do feel disappointed, but in my heart of hearts I know what He's doing. I can never really be sure if a specific career is for me until I spend those years and thousands of dollars on grad school and finally start my first week of work, so all the thanks and praise to God if He's protecting me from the wasted time and efforts.

And so right now I have no idea what getting the desires of my heart really looks like, only God does. But one thing I know, is that all of it will come by delighting in the Lord (Ps. 37:4, Matt. 6:33) and seeking Him for every step. And so instead of making a 5-year plan, I'm setting my life's focal point to KNOWING Him in prayer and intimacy (knowing Him is delighting in Him), and also choosing to be a fragrant offering of sacrifice, because that's the substance of my dreams, on the mission field or not.

"That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of Him." -Eph. 1:17



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