Identity: sorting out

I think in showing us who we really are, our true identities, God'll take us all to this point where we're just sucking at everything and nothing seems to be giving us purpose. And in our desperation to have a place in this world we cry out, "Lord, WHO the heck am I??"

I think in my earlier years I put my identity very much in school, I was the girl who scored high on tests and the daughter that was doing well, and the one who pursued internship and job positions and got all these awards. So darn ambitious. But then I got humbled in college and my major classes, got rejected from a few things, went through a significant number of my days feeling motivation-less..and finally God poured out His love on me forreal and I lost a lot of that selfish ambition and identity as "success-driven, goal-oriented daughter and peer."

Similarly, I think this past year has been one of God taking away my identity as a servant, both to people and to God. Especially in this past season of being so broken, with the most devastating events and timing I imagined, and friends who care about me too far away to cry with..I have never been so broken and vulnerable, needless to say with strangers (who have been an unexpected & touching source of encouragement). But in bringing me down to the ground, He's given me a season where I could just..receive. Receive the love and support and care, because I needed it. All of it has made me realize how not used to receiving I am, I just resist it thinking it's a burden for people to extend a hand. But that's not what God wants. I think the best way to teach someone how to be there for others is for others to be there for them in their time of need. That's how Jesus taught His disciples how to serve others, by serving them in washing their feet.

And as the weeks have been passing, I've been pressuring myself to get back into ministry. It's true God wants us to be fruitful all the time, and I think I'm ok enough now to get back into the game, but this pressure I put on myself just shows how much I've put my identity in serving. I think part of it is also for others to know that I'm serving and not wasting time, which wouldn't be doing it to serve God, but man. Anyway, there's a seemingly fine line between a servant of God and a child of God. Both are followers of God, but there's a big distinction. He wants us to see ourselves primarily as His children. Heck, Jesus doesn't even call us servants anymore..Jn 15:15. I think He's been teaching me that for the past year so it seems pretty important to God that we know that.

I think I'm still struggling not to let my identity within my family overshadow my identity as a daughter of God. One thing I learned from Steph over VSET was that we can't truly love people until we let them go and let God embrace them. We can't give people what they need because God is what they need. Sometimes I wish so much for my mom and sister that I could just take away their grief, but it's not something I can do, no matter how much I worry about them and try to be there. What I can do is pray they turn to God and find Him, their souls' satisfaction. I think God is definitely showing me, through what He's doing in my sister, how much He wills for us to let people go so they can find God themselves.

This was a moving video I thought was fitting, Jeremy Camp's testimony: